- Emilio Estevez Snl Poker Billy Joel
- Emilio Estevez Snl Poker Billy Crystal
- Emilio Estevez Net Worth
- Emilio Estevez Snl Poker Billy Williams
Poker Billy
Spaniard…..Rob Schneider
Black Guy…..Tim Meadows
Dapper Gentleman…..Mike Myers
Dealer…..Phil Hartman
Poker Billy…..Emilio Estevez
Guitarist…..Michael McKean
Bartender…..Chris Farley
Drunk…..Adam Sandler
Emilio Estevez (/ ɛ ˈ m ɪ l i oʊ ɛ ˈ s t ɛ v ə s /; born May 12, 1962) is an American actor, director, and writer.He is the brother of actor Charlie Sheen and the son of actor Martin Sheen.
[ open on exterior scene from the Old West ] [ dissolve to interior, saloon, cowboys sitting at a table playing poker ]
Spaniard: I fold!
Black Guy: I’m out.
Dapper Gentleman: Too rich for my blood!
Dealer: Okay, Billy, it’s down to you and me. Whattaya got?
Poker Billy: Take a look at these. [ lays his cards on the table ]
Spaniard: Carumba! Full house! Aces over jacks!
Dealer: [ lays his cards on the table ] Pair of sevens.
Poker Billy: [ outraged ] Pair of sevens?! Nobody’s that lucky! [ stands and overturns the table ] You cheatin’ bastard! [ pulls out his guns and points them at ?? ]
Dealer: Uh.. no one’s cheatin’, Billy. Full house beats a pair of sevens. You won the hand!
Poker Billy: Really?
Dealer: Yes.
Poker Billy: That would make me the winner?
Everyone: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Poker Billy: [ lowers his guns ] Oh, good.
[ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]Guitarist: [ singing ]“Poker Billy was a gambler
Poker was his game.
He never figured out the rules
But he loved it just the same.
Now, sometimes Bill got lucky
As morons often do.
But luck don’t make a difference
When you havn’t got a clue.”
Dealer: [ dealing cards ] Okay, how many?
Black GuyI’ll take two.
Dapper Gentleman: Uh.. one for me, please.
Spaniard: Three, por favor.
Dealer: [ to Poker Billy ] How many cards you want?
Poker Billy: Uh.. I’ll take, uh.. eight!
[ Spaniard throws his cards in the air ]Poker Billy: Nine.. no, eight!
Dealer: Well, I-I can’t do that, Billy. not in Five Card Draw. I could give you three, how’s that?
Poker Billy: You holdin’ out on me? I said eight!
Dapper Gentleman: Uh, listen, Billy.. in Five Card Draw, you-you can’t have eight cards. It’s sort of a Five Card Draw tradition, you see.
Poker Billy: Oh.. I get it. You two are in this together. You cheatin’ bastards! [ stands and overturns the table ]
Dapper Gentleman: What an ignoramus!
[ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]Guitarist: [ singing ]“Now, ignoramus is a word
That’s often overused.
But in the case of Poker Billy
I think you’d be excused.”
Bartender: “Special classes –“
Guitarist: “– Didn’t help him!”
Bartender: “Special teachers –“
Guitarist: “– Wouldn’t stay.”
Bartender: “Special doctors –“
Guitarist:
“– Shook their heads
and Billy’s parents ran away.”
Dealer: [ paying Billy off ] Fifty, sixty, seventy. All there. Okay. This time, let’s try to play a very simple game. It’s called One.. Card.. Stud. Now, here’s how it works – I’m gonna deal one card to each player, face up. Whoever’s card is the high-est nu-mer-i-cal-ly.. wins the chip. [ holds a chip up ] One of these things. Okay, everyone? [ everyone murmurs their agreement ] Billy?
Poker Billy: Uh, uh.. I’ll pick it up as we go along.
Dealer: Great. [ shuffles the cards ]
Poker Billy: What the hell are you doin’? You’re mixin’ up all the cards!
Dealer: Yes, it’s called shuffling. I do it before every game.
Poker Billy: Yeah? Well, this time, you got caught!
Spaniard: Here we go!
Poker Billy: You cheatin’ bastard! [ stands and overturns the table ] [ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]
Bartender: [ singing ]“I’d like to emphasize a point
we’re making it this song.
Even though it’s very clear
We’ve gone on way too long.
Say he’s stupid.”
Guitarist: “Now, you got it!”
Bartender: “Not a genius.”
Guitarist: “Not at all!”
Bartender: “Lobotomy.”
Guitarist: “I wouldn’t doubt it!”
Drunk: “I think his brain is very small – yahoo!”
[ pan back to Poker Billy, talking with Jenny ]Poker Billy: Jenny?
Jenny: Mmm-hmm?
Poker Billy: Who do you like better, me or Texas Jim?
Emilio Estevez Snl Poker Billy Joel
Jenny: Why, Billy, you’re my ace of spades, and Texas Jim’s just a thre of clubs! [ giggles ]
Poker Billy: What exactly are you sayin’?
Jenny: Well, Billy, you’re my royal flush, and he’s just a pair of deuces. [ giggles ]
Poker Billy: I still don’t get it, Jenny, help me out here.
Jenny: Bily, listen carefully: I love you with all my heart! You could say I’m your Queen of Hearts! Get it!
Poker Billy: You cheatin’ bastard! [ reaches over to overturn the table ] [ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]
Guitarist: “He’s very stupid.”
Emilio Estevez Snl Poker Billy Crystal
Bartender: “Very stupid!”
Guitarist: “Not too bright!”
Bartender: “Very stupid!”
Guitarist: “Stupid, stupid!”
Together:
“Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!
He’s the stupidest guy who ever played the gaaaaame!!”
Emilio Estevez Net Worth
Poker Billy: Come back soon, Poker Billy!
Guitarist: That’s you, Billy.
Poker Billy: Oh, yeah.. right.
[ pan out and fade ]SNL Transcripts
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The Wicker Breakdown:
- This week's show started in Singapore for the Michael Fay Caning which was an incident at the time where an American got caned in Singapore after vandalizing several cars and a bus only to find that the caner, the person swinging the cane, is actually Kevin Nealon who played an American who moved to Singapore since there were no caning jobs in the states. Kevin really enjoys his job and rambles on making pleasant small talk while beating the hell out of Emilio Estevez who was playing Michael Fay. As always, with this being the opening sketch, it eventually led to the announcement of, “Live from New York…”
- Emilio Estevez then officially opened the show with a monolog about what the Brat Pack is up to now that they are all old with a bit of a where are they now segment highlighting how he is the only one who was still a success, at the time. This would have been much more fun if they actually had pictures to go along with the jokes but instead Emilio quickly ran through his subtle jabs so quickly that the jokes fell pretty flat, barely getting any response from the crowd but at least he seemed to be having fun trying to tell jokes since I was a bit worried that this might be a too cool for the show type of appearance.
- Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz was a game show sketch hosted by Mike Myers where the popular kids from school played the contestants who had to categorize all of the misfits from their school after asking them a couple of questions.
- The Whitewater Folder was a parody ad for a new book by John Grisham that treated the investigation of the Whitewater scandal as if it were another installment in his series of legal thriller books.
- Pearl Jam then took to the stage to perform Not For You.
- Once again, Kevin Nealon gave us the news. This week, Kevin Nealon slipped into his Subliminal Man character to give a commentary on the Singapore caning incident that was referred to in the opening sketch. Opera Man also dropped in to sing another song about the events that were making the headlines during throughout the week.
- How Much Ya Bench? was the classic talk show sketch with a panel filled with juiced up, muscle-bound bodybuilders who all have huge upper bodies but tiny legs since their main focus is, as the title suggests, bench-pressing. During the discussion, the entire panel struggles to hold back their roid rage while claiming to be steroid-free.
- Pearl Jam then returned to the stage to perform Rearviewmirror.
- The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service returned for another installment where Adam Sander begs to watch your grandmother while Chris Farley aggressively reassured us that the Herlihy Boy is the perfect fit for the job. The sketch ended with Emilio Estevez as himself to vouch for the Herlihy Boy.
- We then went to a poker game in the Wild West where Emilio Estevez played Poker Billy who was super good at the game even though he had absolutely no idea how to play. Meanwhile, he thinks that everyone else is cheating. In between hands, Mike McKean played a character who sang a tune that told the tale of the annoying poker player.
- This was followed by another Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey where Jack thought back to the invention of the fly swatter.
- Pearl Jam returned to the stage yet again, this time to perform the song Daughter.
- Finally, Emilio Estevez closed the show by thanking the audience and saying his goodnights.